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Clegg Chronicles – Evenin’ Stannit! Tribute Picture Pull Out Edition

15.10.007
_LibDems Declared a Disaster Zone_

Ex-LibDem Leader Charles Kennedy, has today declared
the LibDem Party a ‘disaster zone’.  He told MORNY
STANNIT! “Since the departure of Ming we have been
burning all our bridges.  What is needed is a
p!sshead, erm, I mean someone like myself, to apply
Bacardi Breezers to the blazing inferno,  put out the
flames and to put the party back firmly onto the
barstool – um, I mean, on the road to election
victory.”

Ex-arsonist and LibDem contender for leadership, Nick
Clegg, told MORNY STANNIT! “I hope the party members
vote for me as leader when the ballot papers go out at
the end of the month. Or the cactus gets it!”

08.03.08
_Lib Dems Peps its Clegg_

Lib Dem were today ordered by Nick Clegg not to vote
in the conservative’s vote for  a referendum on the EU
Treaty.  A referendum today reveals that 88% of the
population wants a referendum.

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg told the EVENIN’ STANNIT!
“The conservatives are just trying to pull the wool
over the electorates’ eyes in believing we have a
choice, but not even Benny still wears a bobble hat
these days.  Truth, is the British population are too
stupid to vote for anything other than ‘NO!’  Just
look at the Irish…Sorry, that mike is turned off,
isn’t it?”

24.10.2007

_Nick Clegg to Bring Verve into the LibDems_

It has today been announced that LibDem leader
contender, Nick Clegg is to bring “verve” into the
party.  “The theme is, ‘The Drugs Don’t Work’, but we
do, and hopefully it will be a case of oh ,’Lucky
Man’,” Clegg told the  EVENIN’ STANNIT! .

Nick Clegg plans to set up local courts, ‘So that yobs
can explain themselves to the community,’ he said.

Mr Fothergill of Penge is the first to appear.

‘Well you see, M’Lud, I needed a packet of fags so I
parked on a yellow line’

Townsfolk, booing and jeering: ‘Boo, Hiss!’

Splatter of rotten eggs.

Next up is Prince Harry.

“Well M’Lud – and stand up when I address you, and bow
– well you see, one  was in a night club getting jolly
sloshed, when this dashed photographer appeared and
asked me whether Chelsey was at home or away, so of
course, I chased the bounder down the “frog and toad”
and wrapped his camera around his neck. Well that was
the plan, but then I fell flat on my face and they all
laughed at me.”

Townsfolk is made up of teenage girls. (“Harry, we
love you Harry”) and a crowd of paparazzi papping.
They will be chased down the road in Royal tradition
by the younger Prince in an ancient ritual, before the
Prince is taken down and clapped in stocks.

This is the brave new UK the LibDems foresee, if Nick
Clegg becomes leader, the EVENIN’ STANNIT! can reveal.

21.10.2007
_LibDem Leadership Race_

It has been revealed that the LibDem leadership is a
three horse race, after old nag Ming was sent to the
knackers yard to be minced into petfood, in a new
special flavour for cats to be called ‘mature minced
steak’.

The contenders consist of a cacti arsonist, an
economics hack and an ex-wino.  Party Leader, Simon
Hughes commented gaily, ‘So there goes the LibDems
“green” policies.  Our manifesto will now concentrate
on knocking off 2p off the price of beer. Well it
worked when I stood for student union.’

Popular contender Nicholas Clegg, the ex-arsonist, set
fire to two greenhouses of rare cacti in his gap year
in Munich.  Mr. Clegg revealed to the STANNIT! ‘I
didn’t like the way the succulent b*astard was looking
at me.  I had to torch the prickle as it was coming on
to me like some kind of a  precious hot house flower.’

Clegg is listed as having four Facebook groups named
after him, including ‘Nick Clegg is Hotter than David
Cameron any day.’  This is due to the heat of the
greenhouse fire.

Rival contender, Chris Huhne, is the odd man out, as
being quite normal and has written four books on
Economics.  Mr. Huhne told SUNNY STANNIT! ‘I am so
boring and normal, I have just two Facebook groups
named after me.’  They are ‘Chris Huhne This
Time'(272) and ‘I’m Backing Huhne’ (106).  (Our
reporter dozed off at this point.)

Huhne’s claim to fame is that he cycles into
Westminster every day.  ‘I often see David Cameron at
the lights and we have a race down Whitehall, with
David’s merc bringing up the rear, as his wallet’s too
big to fit in his bike basket,’ Mr. Huhne told the
SUNNY STANNIT!  ‘Us LibDems are more green than them.
Once we’ve adjusted for Charles’ toxic emissions
after a night in the bar and an Indian takeaway, that
is.’

The other LibDem leader contender is Charles Kennedy
who is racing on the ticket ‘We Need a P!sshead to Run
the Country.’  The Facebook group asks, ‘Was it a
conspiracy plan to reduce the chances of a true
scotsman coming to power’ and obviously dates back to
the pre-Gordon Brown era, which was an extraordinarily
long era.

Charles Kennedy has today revealed to SUNNY STANNIT!
his latest campaign in which he will tour the Scotland
kissing ‘wee bairns’.  He will be campaigning to
abolish the drinking age.  ‘Ye dinnae see many wee
bairrrns in the pubs, dee ya?’ Mr. Kennedy told the
SUNNY STANNIT!  ‘We will also abolish the anti-smoking
laws.’

Mr. Kennedy quickly threw his cigarette stub out of
the train window as the ticket inspector appeared.

dated 28/10/2007 during the leadershop contest)

_LibDem Leadership Race Heats Up_

It has been revealed that in the first head to head
hustings of the LibDem leadership challenge, that Nick
Clegg has pledged to ‘go after Cameron and demolish
his vision of liberal conservatism’ if elected as
party leader. Mr. Clegg has the support of 29 Liberal
MPs to Chris Huhne’s ten.

29.10.2007

_Britain’s Leaders Welcome Saudi Arabia Royalty_

King Abdulla of Saudi Arabia who arrived in Britain
today has been given the red carpet treatment by Nick
Clegg’s twin, Shadow Leader David Cameron, and Foreign
Office Minister Kim Howells.

When asked by EVENIN’ STANNIT! if King Abdullah was
”nobbut a dirty rat,” according to Amnesty
International, who have issued a statement condemning
Saudi Arabia’s appalling record in human rights, it
was brushed off.

”King Abdullah is our very best friend,” said Mr.
Howells and Mr. Cameron in one voice, in a rare show
of Labour-Conservative unity.  ”We have er, shared
values.”

Unconfirmed reports tonight state that ”the shared
values” is rumoured to be oil.

6.3.08

_Highland Games_

It has today been revealed that the Lib Dem party treasurer is to be thrown out of  Wetherspoon pubs after
alikening them to a high street bank.  A Wetherspoon
spokesman said, “Customers money is safe with us. It’s
a new sport called tossing the Cable.”

Customers of high street banks have been advised by
the Lib Dems to take their money out of the banks and
invest it down the pub instead.  “But not
Wetherpoons,” said Mr. Cable.  “Unless you’re a binge
drinker and can afford it.”

_As Steady as a Rock_

Lib Dem treasurer Vincent Cable has today exclusively
told the SUNNY STANNIT! “Prime Minister Gordon Brown
has gone from being Supreme Leader to Subprime Lender.
Thanks to taking on the Northern Rock ”

The SUNNY STANNIT! can reveal that the difference
between Gordon Brown’s Northern Rock and former Prime
Minister Tony Bliar’s “northern rock”, in the rotund
figure of ex-deputy leader John Prescott, is that one
is risky and the other one is “frisky”.  Otherwise
both have bottoms that fell out big time.

Nov 2007

_Clegg Gets the Gay Vote_

It has been revealed that Lib Dem contender Nick Clegg
will get the vote of Lib Dem President Simon Hughes.
Mr. Hughes today told the MORNY STANNIT! “I wish to
put myself firmly behind Nick Clegg.”

Nick Clegg was said to be “looking rather nervous”.

2.11.2007

_The Future is Orange_

At the Lib Dem hustings in Central London yesterday
two Lib Dems with almost identical CV’s tried to
emphasise their differences.

“At least I am not heir to Bliar,” said Chris Huhne
glaring at Nick Clegg,  “Nor Cameron’s cupid stunt
double.”

“I may be pro-Trident missile, ‘ retorted Nick ‘Tory
Boy’ Clegg, “but at least I am not barking mad.”

Ex-arsonist Mr.Clegg and ex-hippy Huhne have arranged
a mass ID card-burning to prove their ‘Anti
Establishment’ credentials. David Cameron, LibCon, is
expected to throw a Clegg dancing do for Young
Liberals of the Conservative Party so as not to be
outdone.

Mr. Cameron and Mr. Clegg have never been seen in the
same room together

—————–

12.5.2010

Evenin’ Stannit! Editorial:  The results of the Special Clone Project were revealed last night outside 10 Downing Street .

Cameron and Clegg drove off into the sunset with a “Dave & Nick” sticker on the windscreen.

Chums waved them off by tying emtpy baked bean tin cans on the bumper.

Jilted Gordon Brown was left staring forlornly at the stale wedding cake, with No Expectations.  He told EVENIN’ STANNIT! bitterly,  “It should have been me!”

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